So, on this the inaugural 2013 installation of the Monologues, I thought I would discuss and hopefully bring deserved attention to a great scandal that has so far escaped the popular acclaim that other notable conspiracies such as the JFK assassination or the Moon landing seem to garner; although I would argue it is of equal, if not greater import.
Ever thought about making your own bread? Ever actually followed through with that threat?
If you have, and the thought of doing so again strikes terror into you, or, as is most likely the case, you haven’t, and yet still the thought strikes terror into you cowardly soul, you’re not alone. There is a pronounced cultural fear of making your own bread – or panohestiaphobia as it is known in more learned circles – and it is not a natural condition. We have been taught to fear bread-making. We’ve been told that we need machines to make bread, and hell, if you need a machine to make something, it must be difficult…best leave it to the professionals!! Kneading bread?! Are you crazy?! I’ve heard that’s real hard!
If you don’t believe me, why don’t you make you’re own bread?! Huh?!
Is it any coincidence that we’ve become such a fat and unhealthy society? Probably. But that’s sorta beside the point.
There’s a conspiracy afoot my friends, a conspiracy that runs deep through our society, and has as its source the beastly Bakers’ Syndicate, or BS for short. Much the same way as the Brotherhood of Pasta Enthusiasts, Enjoyers, and above-all Producers (otherwise known as BoPeeP) conspired together back in 1919 at the Paris PeePs Conference to punish the Germans for starting the First World War… no wait, wrong conference… conspired together to make pasta something you buy rather than make, the fix’s been in. Indeed, both the BS and BoPeeP have managed to baffle, confuse, and dumfound the general public into believing that products – the very basis of human sustenance! – containing just three or four basic ingredients are difficult to make for ourselves.
Pie crusts, cookie dough, and now microwavable bacon strips; we’ve been turned into a bunch of nincompoops who are too dumb to do anything for ourselves.
It’s incredible! And something must be done about it. What’ll we do when the robots attack and we can’t even make our own bread, or pasta? We’ll starve, that’s what. And the robots will win. You don’t want that, do you? No one wants the robots to win. Except other robots. And they’re our enemies so we don’t care what they think.
Now admittedly, the first loaf of bread made by my own hands mere days ago was not the greatest bread I’ve ever eaten in the whole wide world, but it didn’t totally suck either. It was altogether completely palatable. High praise I say, high praise indeed.
It was far easier to do than I had imagined it would be and practice makes perfect. So go on, try.
Try again. For the impending Robot Wars.
And maybe just one more time. Think of the children dammit! They’ll need to eat.